Searing pain at the sides of the nose where the eyebrows and the nose meet, inability to sit in front of the computer for reasonable periods without headaches, sugar level that is everywhere except under control and more things have clearly ensured that my health is really really poor and is going down.
Being a diabetic, I am supposed to very restrictive and careful with my health, but my health condition rarely ever lets me do so. Though I want to sit in front of the computer and work/learn/waste time, my present health condition doesn’t let me. I feel frustrated with it and increased frustration isn’t going to help anything. With the exams approaching, I have loads to memorize and make up for my poor performance at memorizing and writing loads of pages in the test, also known as preparing and doing well in the exam! I can’t take it anymore and I quit!

I have been going through an emotionally turbulent period of time where there are wild swings in emotions. One of the main things causing all this misery is the feeling of being used by someone so mercilessly with a precision a surgeon might envy with his surgical tools. It became obviously clear where my position is among the people whom I live amidst.

People have the tendency to be selfish and self-centered. But when it goes to this bad an extent, I can only rant in helplessness. But the feeling of being used, kills all the sanity inside me.

I have been in worse situations and this seems to top all those and itself every day that I can only gasp for breath.

In these testing times, it is only my fault that I got myself into a big big mess with my schedule, academics and the most important health – mind you I am a diabetic for the past 3 years. And my health is going nowhere but to shatters.

Distressing times such as this, make me think a lot of drastic things like thinking about breaking out of all the shackles and the commitments and living a stress-free life that I want to live. Another thought in me thinks that I should pay back the people causing me this misery in the same coin. But alas, sanity butts in and prevents me from degrading to such cheap levels of behavior.

I am just waiting with “This will change” in my breath and guarded optimism which is helping me survive in this merciless one-heck of a world!

I go to Azkaban once a week and very surprisingly it is in my college and that too in my department buliding! Everytime on the day i have to go there i go crazy. I’ll have loads of work to do, but can’t do it. Can’t do anything as planned,can’t take leave, can’t have lunch at mess, can’t do anything worthwhile after coming from Azkaban. I can’t even prepare for going there. 🙁

Ok, enough of unnecessary hype. The Microprocessor lab where I go for my Digital Systems lab is the place under questions. There are loads of hidden dementors and a few visible ones in the form of my batchmates, who suck out all the energy, happiness and hope inside me and I’d end up feeling empty.

There are non-living dementors too-the ICs, trainer kit and the bread board, which could’ve performed the Dementor’s kiss on me instead of leaving me in such a traumatic state so often. Whatever experiment is to be done will never happen correctly as if its destiny’s wish. Everyone else would seem to be having patronuses to protect them. They finish all the experiments in a jiffy when my batch couldn’t do it for weeks together.Our group would almost often stand out as the only one, which didn’t finish the scheduled experiment(s).

Even if everything goes well, the circuit is connected perfectly and there are adequate wires, the output would never come for eternity for God-knows-why. The materials and apparatus of all the other batches would seem to be working immaculately. But when we take theirs and try to do something, our Midas touch(??) would make sure that nothing would work. We would dismantle everything and reconstruct the circuit again with a vigour and hope but worse would befall us. The hope, the energy and the enthusiasm would vaporise and it wouldn’t take long to give up.

A couple of good-for-nothing guys in my batch who don’t help a bit but still disturb by talking too much of themselves would add to the misery.The hollow gloating would irritate me like anything. They would also never miss opportunities to make rude comments about others-girls particularly or to film some offensive stuff using their mobile cameras. Gits!!!

With everything against the completion of experiments and such wonderful 🙁 batchmates, often we’ll end up lagging behind by a mile. At times we shamelessly borrow the circuit from the other batches to show the output to the lab sir or even get it signed by a sir who wouldn’t even come near our bench but still would gladly sign our lab observation notebooks.

I don’t know where this will end. With such practice, I doubt if I could clear my semester practical exam. I’m worried about it because i’m in a no man’s land without a bit of my fault.